Now, I know what you’re possibly thinking already, ‘JBizz? Socially awkward? Yea right!’. Well let me tell you, this is a thing and has been a thing for as long as I can remember. If I cast my mind back, I’m pretty certain I can trace it back to my primary school days circa 1982. I seem to recall many, many days of feeling so self conscious in so many different situations back then. From feeling completely embarrassed to really use my singing voice in assembly to doing whatever I could to make myself invisible in class situations where the teacher was pointing out pupils to answer questions. I truly hated being put on the spot. I guess though, this is fairly normal to us when we’re at that age in our lives. Therefore, I probably just assumed it was just that…actually I probably didn’t even give it a second thought at all. Well, I was only a young ‘un back then. I had far more important things to think about like Star Wars figures, spud guns and Garbage Pail Kids!
Having this ‘social awkwardness’ at school was tough and even tougher when the Gods of social awkwardness decided to really mess with me, like the time I made the school football team for the first time. Exciting times for a young JBizz. Only, I was too slow at grabbing the football kit that was flung on the floor by the PE teacher/Football coach. The other kids knew the score, as soon as that kit got ‘luzzed’ on the floor, fight for all your worth to get the correct fitting attire.
Firstly, I was unaware that this was how we would be given our kit and secondly, diving in and pushing people out of the way to get what I wanted just didn’t fit with my awkwardness and the way I was brought up. So there I was, stood on the school playing field on a rather blustery afternoon, wearing shorts that would have been a tight fit on Kim Kardashian’s ample booty, flapping around in the gusts like a giant wind sock. Kill me.
Fast forward to my teens through to being a thirty something, this social awkwardness was still with me and I hated it. I think I probably tried to disguise it by the way I dressed. Ripped jeans or skin tight tartan pants (NOT the underwear variety! Oh bloody hell, I’ve just remembered the PVC pants I used to wear as well, enough said about those I think…) with long chains hanging from them, massive paratrooper boots, a leather jacket with things like ‘Let Freedom Ring With A Shotgun Blast’ written on the back, weird hair dyes, the list goes on.
I remember always hating being on my own when entering a bar. I have no idea why. I just felt like every single head would turn a la Regan MacNeil from The Exorcist just to stare at me as I entered the public house in search of my friends. I still kind of get that even to this day. Although I don’t often frequent bars these days.
At the time of writing this blog, I have literally just remembered a weird short scenario. I recall being in my mid twenties and overtaking slow walking folks on the pavement but when I would get in front of them my ridiculous head would make me think I was doing an over exaggerated ‘butt wiggle’ (think Ned Flanders in his red Ski suit and that’s how it felt). Fuck sake, this looks even worse now it’s typed out. Oh well. Go on, laugh at this socially awkward fool! I am.
At the ripe old age of 38, I can say my problems with social awkwardness aren’t quite as bad as they used to be but they do still exist. Maybe this whole JBizzleBeard thing is a mask to a certain extent? Don’t get me wrong, I’m exactly who you see on social media and my Twitch streams with regards to what I promote, peace and love, positivity and being awesome to one another. That, I can assure you is no act whatsoever. It is my core being. It’s exactly who I am and I would NEVER turn my back on these traits. But the simple fact that I can dress up in bee onesies and MrsBizz’s dresses all while poking fun at myself on my Twitch streams, have myself filmed in said bee onesie ‘rocking out’ with a plastic Rock Band guitar in front of an unsuspecting public, refereeing in front of 1000 plus wrestling fans seems to go against this ‘so called’ social awkwardness that I believe I have. Maybe I’m just sub consciously pushing myself to do these things in order to combat this awkwardness I get? I’m not sure, but I do believe it has helped me.
Within the last few months, for the first time in my life I realised I now walk down the street with my head held up high instead of looking down at my feet, I make eye contact with people, I stand up feeling confident in myself and it feels GOOD! Like REALLY bloody good. You see, even the most self conscious and socially awkward twerp can change themselves for what I believe is the better. It isn’t just by happenstance that these changes have come about, it’s just that I realised that life really is for living. As cliche as the quote ‘Life is too short’ sounds, it does ring incredibly true. I’m fast approaching 40 yet still feel like I’m in my early twenties. If I’m truly going to get the most out of this little life thingy, then I’m going to do it with self assurance. Even if it means whacking on one of MrsBizz’s dresses every now and again.
Thanks for reading folks and if you take anything from this blog then please make it to not be afraid to make changes in your life if you believe it can be improved. You’re never too old to make these changes, if anything I implore you to start as early as you can.
Peace and love gang!