A Mask For My Social Awkwardness

Now, I know what you’re possibly thinking already, ‘JBizz? Socially awkward? Yea right!’. Well let me tell you, this is a thing and has been a thing for as long as I can remember. If I cast my mind back, I’m pretty certain I can trace it back to my primary school days circa 1982. I seem to recall many, many days of feeling so self conscious in so many different situations back then. From feeling completely embarrassed to really use my singing voice in assembly to doing whatever I could to make myself invisible in class situations where the teacher was pointing out pupils to answer questions. I truly hated being put on the spot. I guess though, this is fairly normal to us when we’re at that age in our lives. Therefore, I probably just assumed it was just that…actually I probably didn’t even give it a second thought at all. Well, I was only a young ‘un back then. I had far more important things to think about like Star Wars figures, spud guns and Garbage Pail Kids!
Having this ‘social awkwardness’ at school was tough and even tougher when the Gods of social awkwardness decided to really mess with me, like the time I made the school football team for the first time. Exciting times for a young JBizz. Only, I was too slow at grabbing the football kit that was flung on the floor by the PE teacher/Football coach. The other kids knew the score, as soon as that kit got ‘luzzed’ on the floor, fight for all your worth to get the correct fitting attire.
Firstly, I was unaware that this was how we would be given our kit and secondly, diving in and pushing people out of the way to get what I wanted just didn’t fit with my awkwardness and the way I was brought up. So there I was, stood on the school playing field on a rather blustery afternoon, wearing shorts that would have been a tight fit on Kim Kardashian’s ample booty, flapping around in the gusts like a giant wind sock. Kill me.

Fast forward to my teens through to being a thirty something, this social awkwardness was still with me and I hated it. I think I probably tried to disguise it by the way I dressed. Ripped jeans or skin tight tartan pants (NOT the underwear variety! Oh bloody hell, I’ve just remembered the PVC pants I used to wear as well, enough said about those I think…) with long chains hanging from them, massive paratrooper boots, a leather jacket with things like ‘Let Freedom Ring With A Shotgun Blast’ written on the back, weird hair dyes, the list goes on.
I remember always hating being on my own when entering a bar. I have no idea why. I just felt like every single head would turn a la Regan MacNeil from The Exorcist just to stare at me as I entered the public house in search of my friends. I still kind of get that even to this day. Although I don’t often frequent bars these days.
At the time of writing this blog, I have literally just remembered a weird short scenario. I recall being in my mid twenties and overtaking slow walking folks on the pavement but when I would get in front of them my ridiculous head would make me think I was doing an over exaggerated ‘butt wiggle’ (think Ned Flanders in his red Ski suit and that’s how it felt). Fuck sake, this looks even worse now it’s typed out. Oh well. Go on, laugh at this socially awkward fool! I am. blog-gif
At the ripe old age of 38, I can say my problems with social awkwardness aren’t quite as bad as they used to be but they do still exist. Maybe this whole JBizzleBeard thing is a mask to a certain extent? Don’t get me wrong, I’m exactly who you see on social media and my Twitch streams with regards to what I promote, peace and love, positivity and being awesome to one another. That, I can assure you is no act whatsoever. It is my core being. It’s exactly who I am and I would NEVER turn my back on these traits. But the simple fact that I can dress up in bee onesies and MrsBizz’s dresses all while poking fun at myself on my Twitch streams, have myself filmed in said bee onesie ‘rocking out’ with a plastic Rock Band guitar in front of an unsuspecting public, refereeing in front of 1000 plus wrestling fans seems to go against this ‘so called’ social awkwardness that I believe I have. Maybe I’m just sub consciously pushing myself to do these things in order to combat this awkwardness I get? I’m not sure, but I do believe it has helped me.
Within the last few months, for the first time in my life I realised I now walk down the street with my head held up high instead of looking down at my feet, I make eye contact with people, I stand up feeling confident in myself and it feels GOOD! Like REALLY bloody good. You see, even the most self conscious and socially awkward twerp can change themselves for what I believe is the better. It isn’t just by happenstance that these changes have come about, it’s just that I realised that life really is for living. As cliche as the quote ‘Life is too short’ sounds, it does ring incredibly true. I’m fast approaching 40 yet still feel like I’m in my early twenties. If I’m truly going to get the most out of this little life thingy, then I’m going to do it with self assurance. Even if it means whacking on one of MrsBizz’s dresses every now and again.

Thanks for reading folks and if you take anything from this blog then please make it to not be afraid to make changes in your life if you believe it can be improved. You’re never too old to make these changes, if anything I implore you to start as early as you can.

Peace and love gang!

JBizz ❤

http://www.Twitch.TV/JBizzleBeard

Sticking It To The Subconscious Mind

Well, here I am, sat at my all shiny and rather new ‘work station’, the place where I let my creativity run amok. It’s also located in our very noisy lounge. I’m not complaining about the noise, because the noise I hear is a noise that I never want to leave me. It’s the wonderful sound of my children playing, fighting, eating, teasing each other and the occasional belch or fart. I’ll save the family stuff for another blog someday, perhaps.

I’ve never really felt compelled to write a blog…well, at least I didn’t think so anyway. Maybe that was just my subconscious doing that ‘thing’ it so often seems to like to do to me. It often tells me to “Stop!” anytime I want to express myself to the world. It antagonises me by whispering “Dude, you’re too old for this” or “Nobody cares and nobody will take any interest in what you have to say or do”. Only within the last year or so have I stood up to this negative subconscious side of my mind. And do you know what? I wish I had taken a stand against it a long, long time ago. Since ignoring these internal voices I can honestly say my life has got better. I feel free. My creativity, that I’ve always been fortunately blessed with, has now been allowed to thrive. I’m happier (when my anxiety isn’t trying to drag me under a fake sea of confusion and self doubt…hmm, maybe I’ve just stumbled upon yet another blog there!)  and I feel no shame in expressing love and positivity to friends, family and strangers alike. Take that, stupid subconscious mind!

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I suppose I should get on with what I actually sat down to blog now…(oh I love this Beck song that’s just started playing, Unforgiven. Beautiful…fucking hell, just get on with it already!)

At the age of 16, and after not getting the greatest of grades at secondary school, my Mum (or Old Dear as I love to call her) gave me an ultimatum. Stay on in education or get a job. There was going to be no laying about for this unqualified buffoon! Naturally I chose the employment option. Not long after receiving my pitiful GCSE results I found myself behind a reception desk at a hotel. Pink jacket (I kid you not) and floral tie (I mean ffs…goodbye ANY inkling of credibility for this 16 year old Rocker who used to wander about the streets and random family gatherings with a Rage Against The Machine hoody with the wording “Fuck you I won’t do what you tell me” emblazoned in great big font across the back).

From that very moment, a ‘mere’ 22 years ago, I have always been in full time employment. Well, I kind of had to be as I became a father at the age of 19, and I certainly wasn’t going to be a failure at that. I was getting a bit tired of being a let down or viewed as a bit of an idiot because of my lack of grades etc. I knew I wasn’t, but I had often felt that this was how others perceived me. I still wish to this day that I hadn’t pissed around on my final and most important year at school. Hindsight, eh?

I’ve been through some pretty low key, boring and mundane jobs in my time. Such as a Hotel Receptionist, Forecourt Attendant, Cleaner, Factory Worker, Postman, Caretaker and now a Window Cleaner (A note to my current employers, I DO NOT view this job as low key, boring or mundane. It just doesn’t allow me to express myself the way I truly desire! I love you guys really!). None of these jobs have allowed me to do what I honestly believe I was meant to do. And that thing is to entertain.

That brings me nicely up to the present day and where my mind is at right this very second. I’m sure I could have gone on and on about each of my jobs and the weird things and stories that have come and gone with them, but I’m eager to get to my point now, just as you probably are!

I’m now 38 years old. I’m happily married to my childhood sweetheart and I have 5 individually crazy and beautiful children. I want to prove to them and myself that if you really put your mind to something that you can achieve it and that things don’t just get handed to you. You have to put in the hard work to get to where you really want to be in life. Am I there yet? Not even close. But I tell you now, I will endeavor to find a way to earn that all important money by doing something that I love to do.

As some of you will be aware, within the last year I have given my all on a wonderful broadcasting platform called Twitch. First and foremost when I ventured into creating my channel I set out to create a community of like minded individuals. It was a means of enabling some sort of social life for myself, as being a father of 5 children I’m sure you’ll understand, my ‘going out’ days were and are very limited (put the violins away you swines!). The ‘Chill Bill’ community as we have aptly named it was born within just a few weeks and is growing day by day. I am now fast approaching my one year ‘Twitch Anniversary’ and I have no plans on slowing down or quitting. I adore having the opportunity to be able to let my ‘crazy creative’ side out. I adore every broadcast I do. And most of all I adore interacting with kind, fun and compassionate people all across the world! I currently have about 386 projects (OK, maybe not quite that many) that I’m trying to work on, all while being a husband, father and a dude with a full time job. Yes it’s tiring but it’s all so worthwhile. And just like old Alf says below:

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Thanks to anyone that has taken the time to read my ramblings…that’s if anyone even has or does…SHUT UP STUPID SUBCONSCIOUS MIND YOU DUMB ASS!!!

Much beardy love to you all. Together we can make the world a brighter, happier, sillier place.

JBizz ❤

http://www.Twitch.TV/JBizzleBeard